Midday Sun
by YlvaThorgalsdottir
Summary: We all wanted to know how the meadow scene would look in Midnight Sun. I fell for the temptation to go ahead and write how I think it would be. It will be four parts, as that part of the book is pretty long.
1. Meadow

_Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Most of the dialogue is from the original Twilight book. (The added dialogue is simply analyzing the universe they live in, because I sort of refuse to believe they _only _had the conversation cited in _Twilight _ch 12 and 13.)_

**Midday Sun…**

**The Meadow  
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>EPOV<br>**  
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I watched her back as she walked on into the sunny meadow. The sun played on her brown hair, made it shine like polished bronze. There were scrapes on her arms after the long walk through the woods, but her pale skin positively glowed. She seemed to have forgotten about her exhaustion. I reminded myself to carry her back; she was a fragile human, after all. Not to mention, she was in for the surprise of her life.

I watched her close her eyes and inhale the, to her, sweet scents of wet soil and grass. She seemed so totally at peace and happy with the world around her, not worried and absent-minded like she usually was. I wondered if it could have anything to do with me, if I could ever have that effect on her. I allowed myself to believe that for a moment, warmth flooding my chest; then I dismissed it as impossible – I was too dangerous for her; an intuitive person like her must have felt that by now – but the warmth of it didn't completely leave me. _There it is, then,_ I thought to myself. _I can perhaps allow myself these moments of happiness with her, and maybe they will all linger. Even when, one day…_ No, I couldn't bear to think of that. There could not be a world without her. _But she is human. And humans must die… _I pushed the thought away again, angry with myself. All the more reason to focus on the time we spent together. I could never let a moment of my time with her go to waste.

I remained in the shadow of the trees behind her, began to unbutton my shirt. I inhaled as well, deeply; I could smell everything she could, and more; I could smell the bark on the trees and the birds that had landed here, however briefly, since the rain stopped. I could smell every detail of the soil, the animals that had stepped on it and which way they had gone across it, the new sprouts on the trees, the cold air… the cars on the highway several miles to the west. None of it struck me as sweet. To my senses, it was perfectly neutral smells, just information about my surroundings.

But I could smell one more thing, and that is the sweetest scent of all to me, although it would likely have made Bella nauseous if she could smell it. She had said it smelled like rust and salt. While it certainly would be a bad idea to live on the Olympian peninsula, or anywhere close to a coast, if you could not stand the smell of salt, I could agree with her about rust; the smell of it was sickening. I mused about this for a second, buying me some more time to watch her enjoy the sunlight, before I had to scare her half to death. Maybe she had never smelled her own blood? But salt _and_ rust? There was zero resemblance between either of those two and blood, to me.

But _her_ blood… from here, eighteen feet away from her, the scent was strong enough to fill my senses. It smelled like sweet, life-giving ambrosia… liquid honey, coursing through her veins… it sang to me – no, to the predator in me. The monster stirred inside my chest_,_ sent images of drinking her blood to my mind…_ Oh no, you don't!_ My mental command sounded a lot like Alice's, reminding me that hurting Bella would hurt my sister as well. Knowing this helped a little. I forced my attention away from her scent, made myself focus on the scent of fresh wet grass and pines instead. It seemed an awful smell after the one I had just immersed myself in, but that was good. As long as it would keep her alive, I would take it and be grateful.

_Good on you for letting yourself get carried away, _I thought to myself. As I watched, she walked towards the center of the meadow, arms open, welcoming the place into her heart. I wondered what that meant for me. Was she welcoming me, too? I shook my head. This was it; there was no turning back now, I told myself; she was going to see. And then? Who knew. Maybe she would finally be sensible and see me as the monster I was. I tried not to let the thought bother me. She turned around, wrists turned out. I could not guess whether it was a peace offering or a sign of trust. I shook my head again, more forcefully this time, as if that could convince me that my own disbelief was right, and that what was now happening _could_ not happen. I had promised to show her this. She had already shown me a great deal of trust by coming here with me, alone. Presently, her expression was curious, expectant, like a child on Christmas Eve.

I took a deep breath, and stepped forward into the sunlight.


	2. Confessions, part 1

_Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Most of the dialogue is from the original Twilight book. (The added dialogue is simply analyzing the universe they live in, because I refuse to believe they _only _had the conversation cited in _Twilight _ch 12 and 13.)_

There was a break in the continuity between the end of _Balancing_ and the beginning of _Confessions_ (chapters 12 and 13 of Twilight)_._ I took the liberty of filling it in. Also, in the last chapter I was only expanding on a couple of paragraphs from the book. Expanding on the entire chapter turned out to take longer. So, there will probably be three more chapters instead of one.

Please review. I'd love to know your reactions, good or bad. :)  
><em><br>_

**Confessions, part 1**

My skin reflected the sunlight, throwing rainbows on the grass in front of me. I resented this. Why would immortality require the body to be crystallized?

_Now, she'll see what sort of a freak you are,_ I said to myself. _Serves me right, I guess._ Gritting my teeth, I took another step into the meadow.

Bella stood still in the middle of the clearing, a few yards from me, looking stunned. I could hear her heart beat fast, but she had stopped breathing in surprise. I wondered if she was going into shock again, remembering that night in Port Angeles and how well she had been able to suppress her reactions. Had I been wrong to show her this? No. I had promised myself to be honest with her. Even if _I_ wasn't worthy of having a promise made to myself honored, _she_ was; she deserved to know the truth. _As if she wouldn't have figured it out on her own anyway. _The thought made me smile._  
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She wasn't looking at my face, just staring at the glittering skin on my chest and arms. I waited. She slowly reached her hand out, as if she thought it might scare me off if she moved faster. _As if _she_ is capable of moving fast enough to startle _me.

The warmth of her fingers brushed across my arm. It felt incredible. I closed my eyes. Her warm skin left traces of heat on my cold one. I held still, listened to her resume breathing. She was so close I could smell her even without breathing, the scent of her burning in my nostrils. When I opened my eyes again, she was watching my face, a spectrum of emotions reflected in her chocolate brown eyes. Curiosity, joy, amazement… love? How could that be? Infatuation, maybe; I would allow for that possibility; but not _love_. That was so far-fetched I couldn't even start to think about it. It was one thing to refuse to be scared of me… I studied her face, looking for the fear I knew should have been there, but was unable to find it.

I wished I could embrace her. I longed to take her in my arms. I wished to hold her, caress her, kiss her… make love to her. And knew it was hopeless. I would crush her fragile body if I tried. I had to get used to breathing her scent before I could allow myself to be myself around her. I had to know I was in control of myself. I inhaled, letting her scent fill my head again; the monster in me struggled against its chains. Bella's eyes suddenly lit up, as if she had seen… and she took an awkward step back, stumbled backward and fell, landing on her bottom in the moist grass. She grinned up at me. I no longer paid attention to the rainbows dancing off my skin. _Of course,_ I laughed inwardly; _she has to get used to me as well._ I almost laughed out loud.

Sensing my mirth, she smiled. Her smile made her eyes sparkle with joy. _Beats sparkling in direct sunlight, by far,_ I thought_._ As I knelt beside her, I realized I was, somehow, deeply touched that she had seen my inner struggle. She often seemed to know what I felt, although when uncertain, she would tend to believe my words sooner than her own intuition, or so it seemed. _She does that with everyone, though,_ I reminded myself, looking down at her. _Nothing special about that, only her being who she is. So perceptive…_ So perceptive she could even sense the true emotions of the man who, more than anyone else, wanted to kill her. I cringed inwardly. _I don't want to kill her. I want her blood, but not to kill her,_ I amended internally. That didn't make it sound any better, but it was somewhat comforting, knowing that I wanted her to live more than I wanted to do that which would inadvertently kill her. _And she _must_ feel the danger she is in, but not so strongly she will admit it to herself. Empathy is not her _gift_, like it is Jasper's gift; it is just her way of relating to people._

She ran her hand down my chest, then back up, following it with her eyes.  
>Looking up at my face, she asked: "How did you become like this?"<br>Cutting straight to the core. She never wasted time diddling around; that must be why her intuition was so accurate.

I didn't answer immediately. I could barely remember having ever been different, I just knew I must have been once. My human memories were muddy. The memory of my transformation was dull compared to the actual experience, I knew that from having been around for Rosalie's change. To her, the pain had been excruciating, and she had begged us to kill her. If I hadn't seen in her mind that she really wanted to live, despite her suffering, we might have done her that favor. But the unbearable first day or so of my own change was almost as murky and inaccessible as my human memories.

Bella, tilting her head to one side, waited. Instead of answering, I laid down in the grass next to her.

"Maybe the crutch of being a carbon based life-form?" she suggested teasingly. I laughed in spite of myself. _The truth,_ I reminded myself.

"I don't know," I said at last. "Carlisle doesn't know. I know he has tried to find out. Seeing as it is impossible to dissect a vampire…" I stopped myself. Too much knowledge could be dangerous for her, too, if the wrong people found out she knew. She eyed me curiously, reached out to touch me again. She stroked my skin carefully, as thought she was thinking about it breaking. That wasn't going to happen, though; my body was practically unbreakable; if it _were_ broken, let's say in a fight, it would heal almost immediately, provided the parts were close enough to each other. Even Carlisle had no idea how a vampire body functioned or looked on the inside, only that it felt and sounded completely still, and that it must be absorbent as it accepted the blood we drank, but nothing else. Not even water, even though… I stopped my thoughts in their tracks as they were wandering off with me. My mind was too used to being active, analyzing something. I needed to learn to control it better than that, if I were to have any hope of controlling _myself_.

I closed my eyes and let her run her fingers over my flesh. The mildness and warmth of it was amazingly pleasurable.  
>It was a good <em>now <em>to be in. I found myself wishing it would last forever.

"I don't scare you?" I asked playfully.  
>"No more than usual," she responded. I grinned at her.<br>_  
>I suppose that is fair, <em>I thought. _I must seem like the stuff of fairy tales to her. Or not even that; after all I was nothing like mythical vampires. I must seem like something completely alien to her, not like an elf dancing out of Tolkien's universe. Probably more like a creature from a horror movie._ I laid down beside her, closed my eyes. Her lullaby played in my head.

"Do you mind?" she asked, letting her fingertips glide along my forearm.

"No," I murmured. Then I sighed. "You can't imagine how that feels."  
>She put her hand on mine. Understanding what she wanted, I flipped it around, so the palm was turned up. Her heart skipped a beat, and my eyes opened to see her frozen posture, startled at my too quick movement.<br>"Sorry." I closed my eyes again. "It's too easy to be myself around you."

It was the truth. She was completely accepting of me, completely non-judgmental. Who could keep up their pretenses around _that_?

She accepted this, too, and continued her examination of me as if nothing had happened. That part mystified me. She really could shut anything out. Even me. I doubted she did it on purpose; she didn't ever seem to be aware of the effect she had on other people, or on me. But knowingly or not, she was keeping me out, and that made me sad.

"Tell me what you're thinking," I breathed, loud enough for her to hear. "It is still so strange for me, not knowing."  
>"You know, the rest of us feel that way all the time." There was a hint of sarcasm in her voice. Oh, well. I shrugged it off. Sarcasm was often meant as friendly, nowadays.<p>

"It's a hard life," I said, hearing the sadness in my voice. I couldn't tell if evading my questions meant that she was keeping me out intentionally, or that she wanted me to keep out anyway. "But you didn't tell me," I reminded her. I so wanted her to trust me with her thoughts.

"I _was_ wishing that I could know what _you_ were thinking…" she hedged, hesitating.  
>"And?"<br>"I was wishing that I could believe you were real. And I wish I wasn't afraid."  
>So that was it. She <em>was <em>afraid. She must have known all along that she was in danger, merely blocked it out, as she apparently had a talent for.

"I don't want you to be afraid," I said. I couldn't help myself. For her own safety, yes, I wanted her to be afraid of me. I presented a danger, and she ought to shy away from me. But more than anything, I wanted her to love me back, and to keep me in her life regardless of what I represented, however impossible and unrealistic the prospect of it was.

"Well," she continued in a matter-of-fact tone, "that is not exactly the fear I meant, though that is certainly something to think about."

I sat up, quickly enough to startle her. This time I didn't care. Was she sitting there, two feet away from the only natural predator of her species, saying she had more pressing concerns than whether or not she would get killed?

"What are you afraid of, then?" I felt the intensity in my question. I had to hear this.

She just stared at me, dumbfounded. Her face was four inches from mine. Then she closed her eyes, leaned forward, inhaling. The scent of her blood – the _song _of her blood – filled my head. The call of her blood was too strong; I couldn't resist my overwhelming thirst, nor my instincts, as they screamed at me to devour her.

…But I had to. I _had_ to resist the call, knowing the alternative would be that much worse.

In the fraction of a second it took me to think the command to my muscles, I was standing under the trees in the opposite end of the clearing from where we had entered. She was still in the middle of the clearing, twenty feet away from me, frozen in the position I had left her in. Her eyes had flown open. It took her a second to react to what had happened. She closed the hand that had held mine a second earlier, opened it again. Her face contorted, twisted into a mask of shock and hurt. She looked like she was about to cry.

I had hurt her feelings. That stung. At the same time, I felt anger. Was she insane? I was going out of my way to keep her safe. Didn't she know how she tempted me? The _only _thing I wanted more than Bella's blood, was Bella herself. I wanted her to live. A world without her in it was no world, but a desolate place, stripped of any meaning. She _had_ to exist, or _I_ might as well never have been born. What on Earth was she thinking?

"I'm sorry, Edward," she whispered from the center of the meadow, knowing I would hear. That calmed me down a little.  
>"Give me a moment," I called back, loud enough for her to hear.<br>At least she knew _some_ of what I could do. Maybe she was thinking that her superhero theory hadn't been that far off.

Focusing intently on the neutral scents of the forest, I took ten deep breaths, counting them.

I walked back to her, slightly faster than my regular human pace, all the while holding her gaze.  
>Smiling apologetically, I said: "I am so very sorry."<br>I hesitated, then added, "Would you understand what I meant if I said I was only human?"

And I was, wasn't I? I was weak, like a human; I was unable to read her mind, thus having no advantage in terms of communication; and I was completely, irrevocably under her spell. She seemed unaware of it, but what did I know? Maybe she was blocking that knowledge out as well.

At last, she nodded acceptance. She was afraid, now – finally! I could smell the adrenaline in her blood, hear her heart racing. Adrenaline… it had a salty smell to it. Another mystery solved. I smiled at her, mockingly. Whose adrenaline-saturated blood could she have smelled? She looked terrified.

_Now_ we were talking.

Now, I had but to drive it home.

"I'm the world's best predator, aren't I?" I said. Her eyes widened in response. I went on: "Everything about me invites you in – my voice, my face, even my _smell_." Other prey were afraid of their natural predators; even most humans were afraid of us, but they were too good at denying their instincts to admit it to themselves. I rose to my feet, snarling: "As if I needed any of that!"

I leaped to the edge of the forest, circled the meadow fully in just under half a second, and stopped.

"As if you could outrun me!" I laughed bitterly. The irony of it was ludicrous. She could keep me out mentally, and maybe she could even keep Jasper out emotionally, but if she were to flee from physical assault, she would probably stumble on her first step and fall. _The easiest prey imaginable._

The thought of it filled me with rage. I tore a thick branch from the tree next to me, and then, knowing that I was making a point, I hurled it into a big tree trunk. It shattered, the tree it hit trembling with the impact. I walked back to Bella, at vampire speed.

Kneeling beside her, holding her gaze, I kept my voice gentle: "As if you could fight me off."

The contrast between threatening words and soothing voice had the desired effect. I could see that she believed me, even as she was frozen with shock. She finally seemed to realize the danger she was in. Though I knew that that was as it should be, it only filled me with sadness.


	3. Confessions, part 2

_Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Most of the dialogue is from the original Twilight book. (The added dialogue is simply analyzing the universe they live in, because I refuse to believe they _only _had the conversation cited in _Twilight _ch 12 and 13.)_

**Confessions part 2**

She sat there, frozen. I felt a stab of regret.

"Don't be afraid," I murmured, "I promise – no, I _swear_ never to hurt you." How could I live with myself if I did? How could I promise never to hurt her, when it was _her_ blood I craved?  
>"Don't be afraid," I repeated, as if willing her not to be. She was finally having a healthy reaction; this was how humans were supposed to respond to danger… and I was the danger.<p>

Pulling myself together, I said, "Please forgive me. I _can _control myself, you just caught me off guard –" Was I stooping to blaming the victim? But she didn't seem to respond " – but I am on my best behavior now." I waited. She didn't move.

"I'm not thirsty today. Honestly." I winked at her, and that finally got a response. She laughed nervously.

"Are you all right?" I asked gently, placing my hand back in hers.

She looked at my hand, then up at my face with a questioning expression; then back at my hand, and began to trace the lines there with her finger, like a palm reader. She looked back up and smiled timidly. I beamed back at her.

"So, where were we, before I behaved so rudely?" I asked, imitating Carlisle's tone when he expressed compassion for a patient. It calmed them, so maybe it would help calm Bella.

"I honestly can't remember," she said.  
>"I think we were talking about why you were afraid, besides the obvious reason."<br>"Oh." She swallowed. "Right."  
>"Well?"<p>

She went back to staring at my hand, stalling. I waited.

"How easily frustrated I am," I sighed at last. I knew it had only been a minute since I asked, but time feels so long when you are forced to be present to your senses through all of it. She stared at me, something dawning in her eyes.

"I was afraid, because… for – well, obvious reasons – I can't _stay _with you. And I'm afraid I'd like to stay with you, much more than I should." She stared at my hand again. This time, I was the one not understanding.

"Yes," I said, drawing out the word. She _wanted_ to stay with me. My heart felt warmer from her words. I had to agree with her, though: she _shouldn't_. "That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That's really not in your best interest." She frowned.

"I should have left a long time ago," I continued, "I should leave now, but I don't know if I can." Not if I could bring myself to do it. I would force myself to do it if it got too dangerous for her. But now that I knew I could control my thirst for her, I didn't know if I could physically bring myself to leave her presence. Not unless she wanted me to, which I had hoped for. But now that she wanted me to stay…

"I don't want you to leave," she said weakly.  
>"Which is exactly why I should," I said, concentrating on the logic rather than the actual pain I felt when thinking about leaving her. "But don't worry, I am essentially a selfish creature," <em>like every other creature on the planet,<em> "I crave your company too much to do what I should." This was true. Her absence was painful for me. Never seeing her again felt unbearable.  
>"I'm glad," she said.<br>"Don't be!" I couldn't help my voice being harsh. Removing my hand from hers, I said, "It is not only your company I crave. Never forget that!" The scent of her blood sang in my head. "Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else." The words didn't ring true in my head – my desire to protect her had so far outweighed my desire to kill her – but I couldn't afford to let my guard down. I _was_ more dangerous to her, regardless. Wanting to kill her proved _that._

A rustling sound in the forest behind her distracted me from my train of thoughts. It was just a fox running through the heath. I stared after it for a few moments, wondering if it had meant to remind me about not getting carried away by my feelings.

"I'm not sure I understand exactly what you mean – by that last part, anyway," Bella said.  
>She didn't understand why I was more dangerous to her, either. I smiled at that.<br>"How do I explain? And without frightening you again, hmm…" That was a hard nut. She _had _healthy instincts, but she generally refused to listen to them. I gave her back my hand, and she curled her fingers around it. "That is amazingly pleasant, the warmth," I said.

I enjoyed it for a moment before returning to the topic. "You know how everyone likes different flavors? Some prefer chocolate ice cream, others prefer strawberry?" Though most people found it easy not to eat ice cream. She nodded. "Sorry about the food analogy." It really was the only way to explain. _Well, not the only,_ I thought. _There is another.  
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My mouth drew into a wistful smile. I started again. "See, every person smells different, having a different essence. If you lock an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he would gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wanted to. If he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let's say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy; the rarest, finest cognac – and filled the room with its warm aroma –" I didn't suppose Bella was familiar with fine beverages; in fact I assumed all alcohol tasted the same to her, but I thought she must have learned about how compelling it was through her reading of Classics. "– how do you think he would fare then?"

She just stared at me. I stared back. Minutes passed.

"Maybe that is not the right comparison," I said at last. "Maybe it would be too easy to turn down brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead."  
>"So what you're saying is, I'm your brand of heroin?" She said it teasingly, as if the whole thing was a joke to her.<p>

Well, if not a joke, then at least my situation was ironic. I gave her a quick smile.  
>"Yes. You are <em>exactly<em> my brand of heroin." I had drained more than a few drug addicts in my time. This analogy was only too fitting.  
>"Does that happen often?"<br>"I spoke to my brothers about it. To Jasper, every one of you is much the same. He's the most recent to join our family." For him, maybe the alcoholism analogy fit better. "It is a struggle for him to abstain at all. He has not had time" – or the will – "to grow sensitive to the differences in smell, in flavor." Mostly because he kept blocking every blood-scent from his mind. Bella's expression was curious, and just a tad apprehensive.  
>"Sorry," I said.<br>"I don't mind," she said politely. "Please don't worry about offending me, or frightening me, or whichever. That's not the way you think. I can understand, or at least try to. Just explain however you can," she begged.

Gazing at the sky, I continued. "So Jasper wasn't sure if he's ever come across anyone who was as… _a__ppealing_ to him as you are to me. Which makes me think not." He would have remembered. Jasper's memories were as clear and as accurate as any of ours. "Emmett has been on the wagon longer, so to speak, and he understood what I meant. He says twice, for him: once stronger than the other."  
>"And for you?"<br>"Never."

"What did Emmett do?" she asked then. Seeing my expression, she quickly added, "I guess I know."  
>"Even the strongest of us fall off the wagon, don't we?"<br>"What are you asking, my permission?" Her voice was sharper now. "I mean, is there no hope, then?" she asked in a kinder tone.

"No!" I said, appalled. "Of course there is hope! I mean, of course I won't…" My voice trailed off. _Of course I won't kill you. Of course not._Who was I to promise that? I lifted my head to meet her gaze steadily. "It is different for us. Emmett… these were strangers he happened across. It was a long time ago, and he wasn't as… practiced, as careful, as he is now." Did that mean he would be able to resist if he met another one? He was quite impulsive. I didn't know.

"So if we'd met… oh, in a dark alley or something…" She was picturing it.  
>"It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and —" I looked away. The memory was as clear to me as if I'd just experienced it. "When you walked past me, I could have ruined everything Carlisle has built for us, right then and there. If I hadn't been denying my thirst for the last, well – too many years, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself. You must have thought I was possessed."<br>"I couldn't understand why. How you could hate me so quickly…"  
>"To me, it was as if you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. The fragrance coming off your skin… I thought it would make me deranged that first day. In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone. And I fought them each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I had to run out, to get away before I could speak the words that would make you follow…" I watched her absorb this.<p>

"You would have come," I promised.  
>"Without a doubt," she replied, her voice trembling a little.<p>

It felt good to finally come clean. I wanted to tell her the whole story, now that I could.

"And then, as I tried to rearrange my schedule in a pointless attempt to avoid you, you were there – in that close, warm little room, the scent was maddening. I so very nearly took you then. There was only one other frail human there, so easily dealt with." She shivered.

"But I resisted. I don't know how. I forced myself _not _to wait for you, _not_to follow you from the school. It was easier outside, when I couldn't smell you anymore, to think clearly, to make the right decision. I left the others near home – I was too ashamed to tell them how weak I was, they only knew something was very wrong – and then I went straight to Carlisle, at the hospital, to tell him I was leaving."

I looked at her face. She just stared at me. "I traded cars with him," I continued. "I didn't go home to tell my mother; she would just have tried to convince me to stay. By the next morning I was in Alaska, where I stayed with friends of the family…" I opted not to tell her about those just yet. "But I was homesick, and I felt terrible about upsetting Esme and the rest of my adopted family. In the pure air of the mountains, I found it hard to believe you were so irresistible. I talked myself into going back. I've dealt with temptation before; nothing as strong as this, of course, but I was strong. Who were _you_? Just an insignificant little girl –" I grinned at her "–to chase me from the place I wanted to be? So I came back. I took precautions, hunting and feeding more than usual before seeing you again. I was sure that I was strong enough to treat you like any other human. I was arrogant about it. …Of course, then you were nearly crushed to death in front of me. All I could think at that point was, 'Not her.'"

The memory overwhelmed me. I had seen the result of my inaction for a fraction of a second in Alice's mind: the accident itself, Bella being hit by the van, her skull being smashed against the asphalt by the impact, her legs crushed under the van. Her limp, lifeless body lying in a pit of fresh blood streaming from her head. I closed my eyes against the pain that flooded my chest. That was what it would have been, had I not interfered. Focused on that memory, I realized that the vision had changed the moment I saw it, because it had made my choice for me. I could not allow it. Bella _could_ not die._ Knowing the consequences of my inaction made me act all that much faster. _Would I have acted if Alice hadn't been there? Yes, of course I would. But would I have acted in time? I decided not to try to answer that question.

Bella had been silent while I spoke. Now she finally seemed to find her voice again, though it was weak:

"In the hospital?"  
>"I was appalled. I couldn't believe I had put my family in danger after all, and at your mercy at that – <em>you,<em>of all people. As if I needed another motive to kill you…" – We both flinched at that – "But instead I fought when Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper suggested that it was time. Carlisle sided with me, though, as did Esme. And Alice." Alice, who wanted Bella for herself, as a friend. As a sister. I grimaced at the thought.

I could understand her, though: I may have been the one without a mate, but she was the one without a close friend. It had always been me and Carlisle, what with me being his "firstborn"; Jasper had hit it off with Emmett immediately, like they were destined to be brothers, despite the supposed age difference: they were both twenty physically, developmentally, though their childhoods must have been very different, and Jasper had seventy years of experience that Emmett lacked. Then again, learning from experience was never Emmett's strength; so maybe it wouldn't have mattered. Maybe he was who he would have been anyway. Esme and Rosalie had found a lot of common ground, with their shared desire for motherhood and their domestic inclinations and interests concerning home and hearth. Alice had no one to be close to in a twin sibling kind of way, even though Jasper tried to be that for her, as well as lover, because he wanted her to have everything she wanted. So maybe it made sense that if I found a mate, it would also be Alice's "predestined" sister. According to her visions, they would be close once they met for real.

I looked at Bella, who looked astonished. I had only been silent for half a second in her time perception.  
>I continued: "The next day, I eavesdropped on the minds of everyone you spoke to, shocked to find that you were keeping your word. I didn't understand you, but I knew I couldn't become more involved with you than I had. I did my best to stay away from you, even as I sat next to you in Biology, but every day your scent… it hit me as hard as that first day."<br>"Why?"  
>"Isabella…" Her body shivered when I touched her hair. "Bella, I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don't know how it's tortured me." I could see in her eyes that she believed me. I felt ashamed of myself. I had expected revolt, that she would finally see me for what I was, that she would run screaming as she should; instead she was completely understanding and compassionate towards me, while I told her about how I had resented her before she figured me out and how much I wanted to kill her. I looked at the ground.<p>

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><p><em>I have to end this chapter here because, y'know, there's still a lot of pages left of <em>Confessions,_ but I don't have time to write it all out here like I wanted._


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